You work out of a Hotel?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
