My first STD was from a foam party
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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