im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
