and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
