Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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