The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
