He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
