my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
