he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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