so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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