My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
