I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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