I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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