ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
