and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
