but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I fill condoms, not promises.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
