I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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