and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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