Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
