I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
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