I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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