I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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