hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
