the day after is always just damage control
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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