Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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