I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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