My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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