i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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