I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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