sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
