I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
