got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
