life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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