i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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