I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
