I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
