just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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