I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
