This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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