apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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