Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
