Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
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There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
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I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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