I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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