somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
