It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
When are your genitals available?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
