so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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