uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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