I think my fart just growled at me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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