I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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