It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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