Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
