i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
