You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You need Xanax blowdarts
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
