I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
