I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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